Conversations
We all work through hardships in life in different ways. I’ve never would have thought that this hobby of mine, taking photos, would become one of the most important tools in my life. It helped me process one of the darkest times I went through so far.
After I finished university, I’ve met someone who became quite close to my heart. I fell in love, to put it simply. I soon become one half of a relationship. During that time I began a photography course in college, while the other half was also involved with his own studies. The relationship wasn’t going too well, but at the time I was blinded by the love I felt.
The illusion broke and the relationship ended just before I started my last and most important term in college. I had deadlines and projects to focus on, but I was consumed by the heartbreak. There wasn’t anything better to do, I let the heartbreak take over my main project and I let photography fix what I thought to be unfixable.
I was admittedly lost in this relationship that I forgot about the friends I had. My family lives in a different country and I felt the distance more than ever. I felt isolated and incredibly alone. I find it hard to ask for help but in order to heal I knew I needed to reach out to all those I forgot about. Thankfully they haven’t forgotten about me.
I used my college project as an excuse. I prepared 26 deeply personal questions and approached my friends if they would be willing to have me over for a couple of hours to have a long conversation. As a consequence of fast approaching deadlines I didn’t get to talk to all of those people who were keen to help. Regardless, I can’t express the amount of gratitude I feel towards all who were ready to help me.
As I’m sitting across them in their personal spaces with my small camera by my side on a tripod, these people have shared incredible stories about themselves and let me get to know them better. Soon they made me realize that I don’t know the answers to my own questions, so the last conversation I had was with myself.
Below you will find images of all these incredible people in their own private spaces accompanied by the questions that guided our conversations. Since every single one of them answered all of my questions as openly as they could, I have decided to include my own responses in this work as well, to keep the conversations mutual.
Pineapple on pizza. Yes or no?
Absolutely yes. I used to think that Margherita was the only way to eat pizza, but then I grew up. Don’t yuck my yum!
What is your biggest irrational fear?
A while back, I remember seeing a video, or maybe it was a program on TV, about this person who started hiccuping and it never really stopped. I don’t even know if it was real or not, but since then, whenever I got hiccups I start thinking about the possibility of it not stopping. And that idea freaks me out a bit. But so far so good!
Who do you like to spend most time with and why?
Lately just myself. As much as I enjoy hanging out with my friends, I like to spend time on my own, even if I’m not actually doing anything. Sometimes I can spend a good hour just staring at nothing, while my mind wanders everywhere. I also like to be aware of myself, my emotions, my thoughts, in order to cope with things mentally and for that I need to spend time by myself.
Have you ever lost a friend in any way?
Yes. A few when I moved to Scotland. A few during and after uni because I wasn’t the best version of myself. Then I met someone with whom we became best friends then partners, and when we broke up I think I was grieving our friendship more than our relationship.
Is there someone who inspires you?
There isn’t a single person that I could point to and say ‘I look up to this one person’, because I think people are too complex for that. I don’t want to idolise anyone, because the one specific thing I might appreciate about them is not all they are. But if I had to choose someone then that would be my mum.
What superpower would you choose?
I would love to be able to teleport. The idea that I could be anywhere within the blink of an eye, without having to spend a single penny on plane tickets, is amazing and I really wish it was possible. Think about it, maybe you have just a few hours for yourself, you could just jump to the Bahamas to lay on the sandy beach for those few hours and then jump back. Or visit family. How cool would that be?
Would you change anything about how you were raised?
For a long time I would have said yes, but not anymore. Growing up in a village is a good experience, but especially during my high school years I felt a bit isolated from my classmates, living an hour long bus ride away from the town. The village also lacked pretty much any sort of entertainment, and having no driving licence at the time, I had to rely on buses or the good will of my parents to get anywhere. But now, looking back, I do appreciate the life I had there.
Do you have a family member you’ve lost touch with throughout the years?
When my godparents got divorced, my godmother moved far away from all of us. Eventually she moved back to the neighboring village where she’s originally from but she never made contact with us. I tried reaching out once, to invite her to my high school graduation, but she declined. I’m sure she went through a lot, but it still sucked.
Also my grandfather on my dad’s side sort of disappeared from our lives at some point and didn’t want to stay in touch. None of us knows what’s up with him, I’m not even sure we’d know if he died.
Have you thought about whether you’d like to raise children or not?
I went through a baby fever period in my early twenties, so yes. But I’ve changed a lot since then, and now I can’t really imagine myself giving birth to and raising a kid with all the sacrifices that come with being a parent. Especially because I feel kinda uncomfortable around children to begin with. I don’t know, maybe in the future I could be convinced by a future partner of mine, but it’s not something I’m actively working towards for sure.
Who is the closest person to you?
I don’t think I have anyone super close to me right now. I have people in my life that I love and appreciate a lot, but there isn’t anyone I share everything with.
Do you rehearse what you’re going to say before making a call?
Definitely, I’m very anxious when it comes to phone calls with people that I don’t really know. It’s not really rehearsing per se, just taking some notes. Part of it is that I’m still scared that I won’t understand what the other person is saying on the other side or that my brain would go blank. When I call the GP, for example, I’d write down my name so that I can spell it out without having to think about it, or my phone number because for whatever reason I can only recite it in Hungarian.
Do you believe in life on other planets?
At this point, knowing as much as we do about our universe, I think it’s impossible that there isn’t a single living thing out there. I mean the universe is so massive that we can’t even comprehend it. There’s no way we’re alone.
What item has the most sentimental value to you?
A pendant that I got from my late grandpa on my mum’s side. I’m not even entirely sure where he got it from, I think I remember someone saying that he found it somewhere. It’s in the shape of a football shoe, which I always found funny because nobody in my family ever watched football.
What is your most treasured memory?
My ability to recall things that has happened to me in the past is not the best. That is partly why I think I grew to love photography, so that the photos can remember for me. But one of the best memories I have is of a summer holiday with my parents that we spent in a small Croatian seaside town. Our apartment was right on the shore, and both of our rooms had a small corner balcony, mine looking towards the sea ahead and the rest of the town’s bay area to the left. One of those evenings, my parents were already fast asleep after a long day of exploring, but I was still up. I was just sitting on my balcony, listening to the calm evening waves of the sea and I’ve never felt happier in my life. In that moment I decided that whenever I retire, that’s the kinda life I want to live.
What is your most terrible memory?
When I was 6 years old, we got a Bernese mountain dog that we named Carlos. I remember when we went to choose a puppy, my parents let me choose and we bonded right away as he fell asleep on my lap. I grew up along him. Having no siblings, this dog was the closest to that in a way. He was a sickly dog his entire life, probably as a result of overbreeding, so the vet came to see us more often than usual.
When he was around 10 years old, he got really ill and this time he wasn’t getting any better. My mum and I didn’t want to euthanize him, as we were still hoping that he’d get better. One morning as I was leaving to catch the bus to school I checked in on him to see how he’s doing, but he was no longer with us. I cried for my mum to come, and once she was there she told me to go catch the bus, I shouldn’t miss school, so that she could take care of Carlos. She put him to rest at the end of our garden while I was in school that day.
Which of your personality traits are you the most proud of?
I think my confidence actually. Because that is what I’ve had to build the most and I can see the progress clearly.
What’s the scariest thing you’ve ever done?
In hindsight, moving to Aberdeen at the age of 19, all by myself, is I think the scariest thing I’ve done intentionally, although I definitely didn’t realise it at the time.
But if I consider unintentionally scary things, then it must be the day of the break up. Suddenly everything I worked towards crumbled around me and that was the first and only time I’ve ever had a panic attack.
What is the best/worst thing someone could say about you?
The best thing someone could say about me is that I’m reliable. I ‘d hope that people would trust me with things or trust me to do things.
The worst thing someone could say about me is that I’m dishonest. I absolutely hate lies or secrecy and I try to stay as honest with people around me as I can, and I would be disappointed in myself if someone thought that I’m dishonest.
If you could travel in time, where would you want to go?
Either super far in the future, so far that it barely has any connection to the present or back when dinosaurs were roaming the Earth, so that I could see if they really were feathery. My mum did traumatise me with Jurassic Park when I was a kid and I was extremely scared of dinosaurs but I think now I’m cool with them and I’d like to see them.
Is there anything you regret NOT doing?
I don’t have too many regrets in life. One thing I really wish I would have done is doing a term or year abroad while I was at uni. Back then I was thinking that I’m already abroad, I don’t need to be even more abroad, but now I realise how silly I was to miss out on such a great life experience.
What have you changed your mind about recently?
Quite a lot of things I guess, considering that four months ago I was still in a long term relationship. I’m also just finishing college so things are changing in my life and everything is still to take shape. One specific thing I can think of is that I decided to no longer wait for a job vacancy for medical photography, because I don’t think I want to pursue that anymore.
Do you believe in ghosts?
I’d want to say no. But tell me a ghost story and I’ll be getting shivers until you’re finished. Since the idea of ghosts does spark a reaction like that out of me, I don’t think I can explicitly say that I don’t believe in them. But I’ll never admit to believing in them.
Do you feel fulfilled? If not, what would make you feel more fulfilled?
I think fulfilment is something that I might or might not experience on my deathbed, hopefully when I’m really old. Because until then, there’s always something new to work towards. I’m content, but for that reason I wouldn’t say that I’m fulfilled.
Have you ever had a recurring dream?
Yes! I sometimes have this dream that my teeth are falling out one by one. It’s so realistic that I have to check whether I still have all of them when I wake up. I haven’t had it for a long time now though.
What, if anything, do you think happens after death?
I have no idea what to think. In one hand I’d like to enjoy the comfort of believing that there is something after death, whatever you want to call it. But on the other hand I also like to not get my hopes up about things, so that I’m not disappointed.
One thing is for sure, I find it hard to imagine a moment when my mind just stops existing.
I guess it’s like that one episode in South Park when everyone’s in hell, and they start asking “who was right?”. We’ll find out.
What is your biggest accomplishment in life?
Surviving is an accomplishment lately I think. I don’t know, moving here, and figuring out adult life on my own and continuing to do so is I think my biggest accomplishment as of now. But I feel like there are bigger accomplishments awaiting me still.
